I wasn’t planning on writing a second letter, but i recognize my mistakes from last time and want to take accountability for them. Firstly, I am really sorry I made you feel that way. I never intended to and i wasn’t thinking way beyond at that moment. As i’ve said before naman, my family’s still struggling financially. But i won’t ask for your money nor do I need it. It’s kind of offending lang din na you’re pushing to give it back to me, when i have clearly communicated that I didn’t want you to do that in the first place. I know it sounded like i was putting all the blame on you, but no. I said it naman na it wasn’t your fault right? I don’t want you to feel guilty about it. After all, i was responsible naman. I hate that we’re arguing about money problems because it’s so petty. Not to put the blame on you or anything, I completely understand naman because sometimes I feel like that din. I’m just very sorry about it. I did all I could but it seems like I really couldn’t keep my personal life from interfering with my relationship. I hate to admit it but it really affects me, and now is really not a good time for us, i’m aware that we’re barely surviving at home and i feel the weight of it all. every, single day. I’m just really sorry na napa feel ko rin sayo yung pagiging money conscious ko lately. I was upset at myself because that money was supposed to go to you rin, but in a more meaningful way. I would’ve found a way naman to make up for what was lost, of course. It’s just, nakaka guilty kasi manghingi rin ng manghingi kay mommy. Especially when I know na she has better things to spend that money on, that’s why I have been saving up. Kasi nahihiya rin ako sayo na u were planning to give me an expensive gift and I didn’t and wouldn’t want to show up empty handed. But before that pa naman, I really wanted to give you and all my friends a little something for Christmas talaga. But again, clarifying lang na you don’t have to feel guilty sa mga ginastos ko sayo, I’m just really sorry na nadamay ka sa mga iniisip ko. It didn’t matter anyway because sa’yo and satin din naman napunta yung money—well, sa’kin mostly and that’s why I was upset.I’m sorry, even saying all of these doesn’t change the things i’ve said on my first letter. Masakit man, pero kailangan ko panindigan decision ko. Ayoko na nasa paulit ulit na cycle tayo, kaya siguro mas better na this way. I’m sorry kung recently din nasasaktan kita with my actions. I don’t know what specifically but just know that I’m very sorry for it all.To be honest Tin, pagod na kasi talaga ako. I’m tired of waiting. Not entirely but just really hurt na while doing it. Lagi kitang inaantay, inaantay bumawi, inaantay magsalita, inaantay mag tanong. Sabi ko nga sa kabila, ang dami ng small tampo na nabuild up for me. Kahit yung simpleng pagtanong mo lang kung okay ba ko after school, kung ano ba ginawa ko, kung ano ba nangyari. Idk pero lately I can’t remember a time you asked me. It’s always the small things that get me. I remember nung kinausap pa kita dito sa kwarto ko, i told you very clearly didn’t i? Okay lang sakin. Okay lang sakin i take mo yung time mo, okay lang sakin kung kumain ka muna, maglaro ka muna, matulog ka muna, okay lang kahit anong gawin mo. Basta wag mo kong pinagmumukang tanga habang nag iintay sayo. Tatlo’t mahigit na oras kita inantay mag reply. I can’t blame you entirely because I agree na, I could’ve slept it out nalang. Pero hindi ko kaya eh, akala ko, alam mo rin na hindi ko kayang matulog nang maayos ng hindi tayo okay. But i guess, kailangan ko na rin sanayin yung sarili ko sa araw-araw na ganon simula ngayon. Kahit simpleng, “wait lang may ginagawa ako” lang sana, Tin. Maayos naman siguro pagkakasabi ko sa’yo non before diba? Harap harapan pa. Pero wala eh, naulit. Pagod na ko sa ganto, nakaka disappoint. Tinotoo mo lang yung sinabi ko na parang burden pa sayo na sabihan ako. Nakakalungkot kasi parang wala lang sa’yo lahat ng sinabi ko. Parang hindi mo inaalala, ni hindi ka nga nag reply ng maayos sa mga sinabi ko non. Maiintindihan ko naman sana kung nagsabi ka eh, para at least, alam ko na may kausap pa ako. Alam ko kung okay ka pa, kung magrereply ka pa, or kung bukas na lang. Ang hirap mangapa sa dilim Tin. Sobrang sakit.Gusto kong malaman mo na mahalaga rin naman sa’kin yung araw na ‘to kasi exams day. Akala ko pa pupunta ka. I was so stupid to think na gagawin mo yung mga ginagawa ko sa’yo before—showing up to your house just to comfort you, to fix things with you, to at least make you feel my presence and assure you na I’m still there. You never did that. Every. time. I was in the verge of giving up on us, text messages lang natatanggap ko at that moment. Kung may na sense akong big problem na pinagdadaanan mo, I would be there. In a heartbeat. Kahit maglakad pa ako, kahit anong oras pa yan. Nakakatampo sobra. Kasi kagabi ko pa cinoconvince yung sarili ko, na wag na umasa na pupunta ka ngayon. Hindi ako makatulog kasi ang dami kong iniisip. Inaassure ko yung sarili ko na okay lang matulog kasi alam kong wala ka naman dito bukas pag gising ko. Wala ka para pag usapan yung mga bagay na dapat nating ayusin. Wala ka para, at the very least—i comfort ako. Naiintindihan ko naman na nasasaktan ka, pero ako rin naman Tin eh. Pero yung sa mga panahon na nag show up ako para sa’yo, tinago ko yun. Because i know kailangan mo ako, kailangan mo ng masasandalan. It’s just really sad na I didn’t receive that from you. Kaya valid naman siguro yung decision ko no? Hindi na rin ako aasa na babawi ka pa sa’kin or that you would still want to fix everything between us after this. Sobrang hirap at sakit matulog kagabi kasi alam kong wala ka pag gising ko. Alam kong tapos na lahat pag gising ko. Kahit na days ago na yung unang sulat ko sayo, doon pa rin talaga sa pagpunta mo nag lay yung decision ko, kasi akala ko talaga pupunta ka. Akala ko gusto mo ko makita. Akala ko may pake ka rin sa kalagayan ko. Kung meron man, sana nararamdaman ko, sana pinaparamdam mo in ways na alam kong alam mo kung paano mag wowork sa’kin. I thought after a year together, you would’ve almost had me figured out. I thought you were going to try and change and get your “shit together”, I thought you meant it when you said that you couldn’t lose me this time around. Pero wala eh, ako na mismo, and finally, yung magkukusa. Naaawa na rin kasi talaga ko sa sarili ko Tin, nakakahiya rin sobra. Ilang oras kita inaantay, ilang oras akong nag aalala sa’yo kung okay ka lang ba or ano, kulang na lang ata lumuhod ako sa harap mo para lang mag reply ka, again. Tapos wala, makikita nalang uli kita na may notes na. Not even acknowledging any of my messages. I never did that to you. Kahit na i was drafting something pa lang, I don’t want you to think na you were being ignored but i guess you didn’t think about what i would feel na naman right? Well don’t worry, from now on, you won’t ever have to think about what I would feel ever again. Di mo na ko kailangan alalahanin and i consider. Kaya ko na sarili ko, and I know i have some growing up to do as well.Still, I have to thank you. You were once the sunshine in my life that enveloped me in warmth and kept all the bad things at bay. Kissed all my worries away and looked at me gently, lovingly. If only things stayed still and lasted forever, I’d truly wish to spend an eternity with you, all over again. One where we were okay and happy. The one where we loved each other as much and showed it. I wish it could’ve been this one, i really do. But everything’s a mess now and it’s hard to come back. Still, i’ll be hoping silently. Aways, forever.Don’t let everything i said strip away of what you know yourself to be. You hurt me but i would never see you as a bad person. Sometimes things just don’t work out the way we hope to, but it doesn’t always mean that it’s a bad thing. You will always be kind and loving to me. I truly loved you, Christina.